Unrest
by Kaisa
Summary: Taking place after chapter 112... Fai thinks about what Kurogane's words...and also thinks about something he hadn't thought about in a while... sorry for the bad summary Fai!angst.


Hi, everyone, I'm back again! (Yeah I know, no one is excited at all…) Well, in the last story I posted, I gave you reviewers a choice as to which story I would post next. And after waiting about a week and getting a shocking total of ONE votes, (thank you so so much dreamsengraved) THIS story is the one that was chosen! Whooo!

This story takes place during volume 15 right after chapter 112 and going through until the end of chapter 115. I borrowed some quotes from delrey's translation of the manga during the parts of the actual chapters I dance through, and for flashbacks. I hope that's okay. It just makes the story a seamless read… That's my own opinion, I guess. So that's just FYI…

And, obviously, spoilers for volume 15! And if there are for volume 16, you probably can't notice it… And warning…there are thoughts of suicide. But no character death, I promise.

I don't own Tsubasa. If I did…well I don't, and that's all that matters.

Ah, and I use 'hime' for Sakura, meaning Princess. I don't think I use anything else in this story, well, except for the honorifics, which I always use Oo…

Oh, and quick side-note that's completely unrelated to just about everything… Every time I pass the FYE for your entertainment store, I think of Fai. (because, obviously, it's one of the many spellings of Fai. Fye, Fay… I'm now automatically accustomed to all these spellings, so now I don't care what anyone uses!)

* * *

Fai was frozen in his spot for what seemed like an eternity. He could barely even feel his heart beating.

"_Underneath that constant grin, you're keeping everyone away. So that nobody gets involved with you."_

Fai pressed the palms of his hands to his ears. "Shut up…"

"_You involved yourself…in their lives."_

Fai pressed harder, squeezing his eyes shut when they began to sting. "Be quiet… Stop it…"

"_**Shape up and figure out where you stand!"**_

"Shut up, shut up, shut up!" He cried out, something warm and wet running down his face. He felt like he had been punched in the chest. His head was spinning, and his eyes felt like they were on fire. And he just couldn't get Kurogane's voice out of his mind. Everything he had said just kept echoing… It was endless, it was torture.

He brought his legs up to his chest and stifled a sigh. He had to be careful—Kurogane would probably be coming back from talking with Kusanagi and Yuuto any minute now, and if he saw that Fai was fazed in any way, he might…

Fai shook his head roughly to himself. No. Nothing was going to happen, because when Kurogane came back, Fai would be just _fine and dandy_.

He pushed himself off the floor. He didn't like how his knees shook beneath his weight. Glaring to himself, he instantly blamed the ninja. How could he throw around words so carelessly? Well, no matter… It wasn't as if Kurogane could have known what his words would really do.

Fai stopped for a moment, his glare turning into a frown. Was he angry with Kurogane? It didn't feel like anger—no, not at all. It felt like something else… Something chilling…

He bit the inside of his cheek. If he wasn't so close with Kurogane, he wouldn't have gotten hurt by those words. Why didn't it ever go his way? He couldn't even protect himself from a bunch of stupid words. He really shouldn't have let himself get hurt. He worked so hard, every day, to prevent from hurting the ones around him and himself… But somehow, someway, while he was doing it, he grew closer to his companions. And he needed to stop it. If he got any closer, he was sure they would be hurt one day. He was unlucky that way.

Fai shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. Glancing worriedly over to the children for what must have been the millionth time since they've arrived, Fai remembered the blanket in his hands and carefully walked over to where Syaoran, Sakura, and Mokona were sleeping.

"Oh, Syaoran-kun," he sighed in a mock scolding tone of voice. "Your back is going to hurt if you sleep like that, you know."

Syaoran, who was sitting on the floor though his head rested on Sakura's bed, didn't respond.

"Sakura-chan's bed is big enough for at least three grown adults to sleep on. I don't understand why you couldn't just take a space beside her. But, yes, Syaoran-kun, I know you wouldn't sleep on the same bed as the hime, but… I don't think she minds… Especially since your leg is still injured…" And Fai carefully took up the younger boy in his arms and lay him in bed, far enough from Sakura so that neither would be uncomfortable if they were to awaken. "See? That wasn't too bad, now was it?" He smiled for them before draping the blanket over their sleeping forms. He watched them for a long time, and barely noticed when Kurogane returned to the room.

Kurogane glanced at Fai wordlessly.

Fai looked up at him, loosing the strength to keep the fake smile on his face. The smile glided away with every step Kurogane took closer.

"So…," the ninja began, his eyes drifting away.

Fai's chest began to ache again, painfully so. He couldn't even look at Kurogane. "So what, Kuro-sama?"

Kurogane yawned loudly. "I'm tired. We'll finish our conversation tomorrow."

Fai cringed. He didn't want to finish their _conversation_. He hoped that he would never have another conversation with Kurogane ever again. Kurogane made him hate the word 'conversation'. Fai didn't take kindly to being picked at, constantly picked at. And he especially hated when Kurogane picked where it _hurt_. _That_ was what he got for letting the ninja get to know him a little.

Fai kept his face straight. Besides, what right did Kurogane have to tell him what he should do? And better yet, why does he care in the first place?

Fai threw another blanket in Kurogane's direction, a blanket that Kurogane snatched from the air. The ninja was asleep in mere minutes.

_He cares enough to pick at me about my decisions, but he __doesn't__ care about what his words do to me? _Fai wondered. _He hasn't gone through half the stuff I have. He's never felt so alone that he wanted to die. He's never felt any of that. Maybe if he had, he'd understand._

He shook his head, chuckling to himself. _Maybe, maybe not._

Fai sighed. He contemplated getting some sleep himself… But if he wasn't tired before, he _definitely_ wasn't tired now. He couldn't sleep now…not after that.

He quietly drifted over to Kurogane's sleeping form. "You are quite the character, aren't you, Kuro-sama?"

The ninja in question only snored in response.

Fai frowned deeply, once again remembering their conversation. He spun away from Kurogane. It really was hard to even look at him. "Shape up?" Fai whispered, closing his eyes for a moment. "Figure out where I stand?" He laughed bitterly. "How am I ever to do that?" He walked toward the window, watching the acid rain streak down the glass. "Hmmm," he sighed, pressing his forehead to the pane. He almost wished that the window wasn't there. That glass was the only thing separating him from a deadly drop to the ground. He leaned forward more, now pressing his hands against the glass. Maybe it will break. Maybe the others would think that it was an accident. He could just imagine himself falling through the sky, right beside the drops of acid, until he slammed into the ground. Unmoving. Dead.

Dead…

He hadn't thought of death so seriously lately—that is, until that very moment. The way he saw it was that he'd one day die by the hands of another… Not because he couldn't defeat them, but simply because he allowed himself to be killed. But with every passing day, he couldn't help but think… The only way he's going to die is if he commits suicide.

What had changed? Well, he had met Kurogane.

Kurogane had done a pretty good job making sure that his plans were skewed. Being killed by another was no longer a choice. Or, at least, it wasn't as easy as it was before, not with Kurogane protecting him like he did.

But would Kurogane save him from killing himself?

Fai licked his lips nervously. Maybe he would. Kurogane would accuse him of taking the coward's way out, of once again running away from his problems. The ninja had always tried to get one thing conveyed.

_Face the music_.

Fai sighed again, subconsciously pressing against the glass even harder. He closed his eyes and felt a single tear run down his face.

But…even when he felt like just ending it, he thought of the children—like he was now.

_I guess I can hold out for a little while longer,_ he thought to himself for about the hundredth time since he began this journey. He was jaded, but he had to go on for just a little longer… And then, when the time came…

_I'll die._

He glanced over to Kurogane. _That's where I stand, Kurogane. Once my time comes, I'll die. I'll know when to do it; I'll know when it's my time. So until then, maybe I'll 'shape up'. Don't hate me for that decision. You wouldn't understand how it's been for me, and you won't understand when I kill myself, but please… Just accept it._

Yawning, he sat down beside the glass, closing his eyes. _If only I could make him understand somehow. If I could make him understand how I felt, then maybe he wouldn't start conversations like that…_

* * *

It was time to put the smile back on—full force.

"Kuro-sama is up, neee? Well, _that_ took a long time!"

Kurogane glared at him. "Chh!" He stood and quickly looked away.

Fai smiled. So the ninja _did_ realize that it was awkward between them. "So!" he went on. "I'm going to talk to the others to see if there's anything we can do! You know what they said about us helping out and all…"

Kurogane grunted, but didn't protest as Fai left the room.

Fai sagged in relief as he strode down the hallway. In that room with Kurogane…he felt so tense. He almost couldn't breathe. He wondered if Kurogane felt it too? Fai himself was still confused. He felt _angry_ with Kurogane, but _not_ angry. He almost wanted to get him back…but he wanted to _teach_ him something, too.

"Ah, you're awake."

Fai glanced up to see Yuuto. "Yes, that's right."

Yuuto handed him a pile of neatly folded clothes. "Here's stuff for you and the others to wear… And we're going to need two of you to come and help us hunt down some food."

Fai nodded. "Okay then, when do we leave?"

"Not too long from now. Someone will come and get you when we're ready," Yuuto replied, before walking away. "See you there."

Fai threw him a cheery wave before beginning to walk back to the room. _Well that was fast,_ he thought to himself. He stepped into the room, turning on his smile again. "Have Syaoran-kun and Sakura-chan…woken up yet…?" His question trailed off when he saw Syaoran, awake, his eyes completely blank. His senses screamed at him. This was _not_ Syaoran. This was…oh no… Fai narrowed his eyes. "Syaoran-kun?"

Syaoran soon snapped out of it, his aura returning to normal so quickly it almost knocked Fai off his feet.

But the mage recovered quickly, explaining to the boy about their situation, and finally handing him some clothes and telling him to get dressed.

Syaoran accepted the clothes and walked away to change, a vague look on his face.

Fai smiled widely and waved to him. "Come back soon!" he called. But once the boy was out of his sight, he bit his lip worriedly. But he couldn't let Kurogane know that he knew anything about this. "Was that Syaoran-kun?" he asked the ninja.

"No, it wasn't," Kurogane replied, not missing a beat. Apparently, the ninja knew there was something wrong, as well.

"Was that the first time?"

"No," Kurogane said again. "It's happened before."

This only made Fai worry more. This was _definitely_ not good… "It looks like he isn't aware of himself." He paused, Syaoran's blank eyes staring at him in his mind. "It seems kind of like…his gaze was completely frozen." He then realized that his face had contorted into something rather worrisome, and Kurogane's words came flooding back. _"You involved yourself…in their lives."_

Reaching for the smile once more, Fai twirled around to face Kurogane. "Kuro-sama! I have a favor to ask!"

"Huuh?"

"I'm worried about Syaoran-kun, so is it okay if I go along with him and the others to go food-hunting?"

Kurogane grunted. "I don't care."

"But I'm also worried about Sakura-chan. Can you stay here and watch her?"

Kurogane glared at him. "Can't _you_ stay here and watch her so _I_ can go?"

Fai smiled wanly. "Kuro-sama… I know you want to go, but…" He walked a few steps, clutching his clothes tight to his throbbing chest. "I'm going, and that's _that._" And he began to walk away.

"Fine," Kurogane muttered after him, though he was obviously displeased with the situation.

* * *

After taking down a huge worm that apparently could be eaten somehow, Fai's worries were confirmed when Syaoran acted strange again. Fai couldn't help but flinch when Syaoran's aura changed completely, striking hard at Fai's senses. And that face when Syaoran had when he regained composure… That confused, slightly worried expression all over his face… It made Fai even more concerned, and he found himself feeling bad for Syaoran, who didn't even know what he was going through.

Now he _definitely_ couldn't die any time soon. Not before he made sure that they were safe… Not before they left this world.

Mokona, who had come alone, was nestled in Fai's cloaks, perched on his shoulder. The white creature had clung to him ever since awakening, almost as if…

"Mokona," Fai began, looking down to his shoulder. "If we have any reason to go out, Syaoran-kun or I will be the ones to go, okay?"

Mokona looked confused. "Why?"

"Well, Sakura-chan's asleep, right? That means Kuro-sama will be lonely." He once again glanced at Syaoran before turning back to Mokona. Lonely. That's right, he wanted Kurogane to be lonely. Then maybe he'd understand, at least a _little_. And though the majority of him wanted Kurogane to understand, another part just wanted to hurt him just as much as Kurogane had hurt him. It was that chilling feeling almost akin to anger that wanted to do this.

"Lonely?" Mokona asked, frowning. "Why does Fai want Kurogane to be lonely?"

"Well…," Fai drew out carefully. But he only finished his sentence with a small shrug.

"Mokona senses that something bad happened between Fai and Kurogane… Mokona senses that Kurogane hurt Fai a lot." Mokona shuddered slightly. "Mokona…senses that…Fai was really…really sad last night."

Fai's breath hitched.

"Mokona doesn't think that Kurogane knew how much Kurogane hurt Fai." Mokona looked down. "But Mokona was really worried about Fai last night…"

Fai bit his lip hard, wondering if Mokona somehow knew about how he was thinking about death… About killing himself. Maybe that was why Mokona seemed so scared…

"Does Fai want Kurogane to be lonely because Kurogane hurt Fai? Does Fai want to tell Kurogane 'don't hurt Fai'?"

Fai squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, his arm throbbing where Kurogane had grabbed him. "Maybe," he rasped finally.

Mokona touched Fai's cheek gently. "Fai, don't be sad. We all love you… And we'd really miss you if you went away."

So maybe Mokona did know about his contemplation of death… It sure seemed that way.

"Fai-san!" Syaoran called. "Come on, we're going back now!"

Fai took this as an opportunity to leave Mokona's remark unanswered. "Okay, Syaoran-kun, we're coming!"

* * *

Fai stared down at Sakura, once again finding himself wishing that she wouldn't wake up—not in this world.

"Why the hell did you leave me here all alone for that long?!" Kurogane yelled at him. "I was completely _bored_ out of my skull!"

"Bored?" Fai repeated. That wasn't really the point. But instead of giving Kurogane a real answer, he walked over to the window. It had started to rain again. He pressed a palm to the windowpane in silent contemplation.

Mokona hopped onto Kurogane's shoulder. "Kurogane shouldn't hurt Fai," he whispered into the ninja's ear. "Fai was thinking something really bad last night because of the hurt Fai felt."

"Like what?" Kurogane hissed back skeptically. "Like he was going to kill me? Chh, I don't think so."

"Fai wasn't thinking of killing _Kurogane._"

Kurogane whipped his head around to stare at Mokona, the words hitting him almost as hard at the realization. "He wouldn't."

"Kurogane should be careful with Kurogane's words. One day Fai might do something that will make us all really sad if Fai gets hurt too much. Fai has more hurt than Kurogane knows about… That's why Kurogane needs to be careful."

Kurogane watched the mage stare blankly out the window. _I swear, no matter how much you get hurt, I will __never__ let you do that to yourself,_ he thought at Fai's back. _I __swear__ it on my own life._

Fai looked over his shoulder, sensing that he was being watched. As expected, Kurogane stared back at him. He smiled nicely at the ninja, though his thoughts were far from pleasant.

_Once I make sure you all are okay,­ _he promised to himself, ­_I will make sure I never hurt anyone again. I won't be involved with __anyone's__ life… Because…I'll be dead._

* * *

Ah! The End!

I completely blame this story on seasonal depression! I wrote this story in the beginning of January, and I always seem to get really depressed through the middle of December to the middle of January (Christmas season, New Year's, and finally, my birthday)

If you want to, you can go to my last story, Tears, and go to the end to see what two other stories I had up for voting, and vote on which on you'd like to see next. (They're number 2 and 3). But no one HAS to do that, it's just a fun little thing that I set up so I won't have to spend days deciding on what to rewrite. (But if you vote, expect to wait a little while...since i'm going away for two weeks...eheh...)

Please leave a review! Thanks to reader traffic, I can tell how many of you are reading and NOT leaving reviews, and it'll even tell me where you LIVE! (well, what COUNTRY you live in… eh…) But seriously, please review, haha.


End file.
